By Briana Bass, Christian Romance Author, Devotional Writer & Certified Professional Coach

About ten years ago, I joined a national women’s group. I was one of the youngest women in my local chapter and therefore one of the few still working full-time. Eager to get involved, I agreed to take over a committee that another woman had led for several years. We’ll call her Maria.

This committee was a solo endeavor. Just me. Even with working full-time, I was able to complete all the requirements save one. The last component required going in person to a local organization to pick up and drop off a folder. Due to my work schedule, I was unable to go to that organization during their business hours. I informed the chapter chair, who asked Maria if she would be willing to help.

Maria agreed, picked up the folder, and I expressed my appreciation.

At the following monthly chapter meeting, after we had finished our agenda items, Maria stood up and began berating me in front of the entire chapter. She attacked my integrity, called me irresponsible, and publicly shamed me for asking for help.

I never went back to that women’s group.

Forgive, Don’t Forget

It took a long time to wrap my head around that incident. First and foremost, I was hurt. Not just by Maria, who up until that point had never shown any disinclination towards me, but also by the other women in the chapter. None of them interrupted her tirade. After the meeting, only the vice chair spoke to me and apologized for Maria’s actions.

Secondly, I was appalled that I had been admonished for asking for help. What happened to women supporting women? What happened to all of us being in this together? As someone with a perfectionist streak, it’s difficult for me to swallow my pride and ask for help. I finally built up the courage to do so, and it blew up in my face.

I carried the bitterness for a long time. I buried it deep, where it festered, poisoning me from the inside out. See, that’s the thing about unforgiveness. Other people don’t always realize how badly they hurt us. They don’t share our pain. We know it intimately. We cling tightly to it. And until we truly forgive the other person, all we’re really doing is hurting ourselves.

Forgive Us Our Trespasses

Scripture says, “For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you: But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses” (Matthew 6:14-15, KJV). That’s pretty heavy when you think about it. Is God forgiving me tied into me forgiving others?

The short answer is yes, it is. But it’s more complicated than a simple “yes.” We are called to love others as God loves us. If God’s love includes grace towards us, then our love must also include grace for others. And a key component of grace is forgiveness.

Forgiving someone else also extends grace to ourselves. When we forgive others, we release the negativity brewing inside of us. Even if the other person does not accept our forgiveness, we can move forward knowing that we are free from bondage.

As We Forgive Those Who Trespass Against Us

Maria probably doesn’t remember that day. I doubt it had any negative effect on her, certainly not the way it did me. I did my best to suppress the memory but every once in a while, it would spontaneously pop up and I would be overwhelmed by the onslaught of shame, frustration, and pain.

Eventually, I chose a different path. I forgave Maria and instantly felt lighter. Forgiving Maria doesn’t excuse her actions. To this day I would still appreciate an apology from her. But it’s okay if I never hear her say “I’m sorry.”

I’m still free.