By Briana Bass, Christian Romance Author, Devotional Writer & Certified Professional Coach

You can pick your friends, but you can’t pick your relatives. For some families, that’s not a problem. They get along well and enjoy one another’s company. For others, coming together at Christmas is anxiety inducing.

There’s a reason people avoid discussing religion and politics. Spending the holiday with folks who don’t agree with your worldview can be awkward at best and lead to a fight at worst. The fear of burning bridges keeps us silent. We grin and bear it, grinding our teeth and biting our tongues. Until we can’t anymore and we explode in a rush of anger.

So how do we avoid the eruption? How do we maintain familial relationships when we don’t see eye to eye? Read on for some practical tips to set healthy boundaries this holiday season.

Love Yourself and Your Enemies

I don’t have all the answers, and I can’t guarantee your Christmas will be drama-free. But I can offer a handful of ways you can prepare for (and maybe even sidestep) potential conflict at your family gatherings.

• Don’t offer to host and don’t stay with family. Your home (or hotel room) should be a sanctuary where you can decompress after spending time with family. This also allows you to extricate yourself from the gathering, should the need arise.

• Set a time limit. Be upfront with the hosts about when you will arrive and when you plan to leave. Set an alarm on your phone so you leave on time.
• Stay sober. Keep your wits about you. It’s tempting to dull your feelings, but you want to have control of your faculties and your tongue.

• Make a pact with your partner. Prior to the gathering, you and your partner should have an honest conversation about your feelings about who and/or what may trigger you. Come to an agreement that your partner will support your decisions regarding who you interact with, who you don’t interact with, and if you choose to leave the celebration early. Be sure to extend the same courtesy to your partner.

Pray for Your Persecutors

Setting boundaries at family gatherings does not make you less of a Christian. Jesus calls us to love one another; Jesus does not call us to be doormats. There is strength in love, and sometimes loving people means taking a step back and giving a relationship space to breathe. This doesn’t make you a conflict avoider, either. Barging head-on into conflict is not the best approach. If you truly want to seek a resolution, you’ll need to be the best headspace possible. Taking time to search and understand your feelings before engaging in conflict resolution is the best policy.

Remember, you can only control your actions and emotions. How other people react is outside of your control. They may get affronted that you won’t engage with them. That is not your burden to bear. You have every right to decline arguing with your family. You have every right to walk away.

I do encourage you to do as Jesus commands and pray for those you disagree with. “But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you;” (Matthew 5:44 KJV). We don’t always see family members as enemies, but there are opposing sides in every conflict. Pray for your family. Ask God to soften their hearts and help them to understand why you believe what you do. Be sure to ask God to soften your heart as well, so you can see their perspective, too.

Take the High Road

Reclaiming your agency is one of the best Christmas gifts you can give yourself. Family members may still try to start a fight, but you can rest easy knowing you didn’t rise to their bait. It pays to be the bigger person.

No matter who you spend the holidays with, you deserve to have a great Christmas. Don’t let the drama ruin your holiday. Remember that Christmas is a time to celebrate the birth of the One who told us to turn the other cheek in an act of civil disobedience. That same principle still applies today, even within our family units. Be like Jesus. Turn the other cheek.