By Briana Bass, Christian Romance Author, Devotional Writer & Certified Professional Coach

Sex before marriage is not the one-way ticket to Hell that many Christians preach.

Say it a little louder for the people in the back: premarital sex does not make you damned. It does not make you damaged goods. It is not the absolute worst sin you could ever commit. On the flip side, abstinence and celibacy are not the badges of honor we think they are. It’s easy to twist them into something prideful (hello, sin!).

Christian culture emphasizes sexual purity to the point of idolization. Our conversations around sex swing from totally non-existent to decrying our overly sexualized secular society. Rarely do Christians talk about the beauty of physical intimacy between couples (and if they do, only married women are invited to that conversation). Instead, Christian culture wraps sex, and in particular female sexuality, in a twisted cage of shame, fear, and disgust.

We need to change how Christians talk about sex. Are you ready to join me in this conversation?

The Birds and the Bees

Sex happens. Why do we pretend otherwise? Women will have sex outside of marriage. Women will have sex with their husbands. Women in their twenties are having sex. Women in their fifties are having sex. Let’s stop ignoring the facts.

Instead of staying quiet about sex, let’s talk about it in safe, healthy ways. If you don’t want to share about your private life, that’s okay! You are not required to tell anyone about what you do behind closed doors. But some women need and deserve to talk and hear about sex. We want our sisters to be equipped with the knowledge and confidence to set boundaries, to understand physical risks such as STI’s and pregnancy, and to recognize that sexual pleasure is not something to be ashamed of.

Before a Christian woman even experiences sexual intercourse, she often associates sex with fear. Then, on her wedding night, she’s expected to flip a switch and enjoy it. Or, in some circles, she’s expected to please her husband with no thought of her own pleasure. Sex becomes a wifely duty, nothing more.

God created us to be sexual creatures: “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh” (Genesis 2:24, KJV). We have to change how we talk about sex in Christian culture. From premarital sex to sex within marriage, women deserve to know that sex is natural. Most women will experience sexual attraction at some point in their lives. It’s how God designed us.

Three Steps to Start the Conversation

It’s time to end the fearmongering around sex.

First, we need to admit our role in hurting other women when it comes to sex. Our silence speaks volumes. By pushing abstinence-only policies and making sex a taboo subject, we are only hurting ourselves. Literally. The number of women who experience painful sex is staggering. Lack of education leads to ill-advised decision making, like thinking pain is normal and refusing to speak with a doctor about it.

Second, we need to admit that we are judgmental when it comes to sex. If a woman who has no knowledge of Jesus has had multiple sexual partners, and then becomes a believer, we offer her grace. We say that she didn’t know better, and her sins are now expunged. But if a baptized, unmarried woman has sexual partners we turn our backs on her. We are more willing to forgive a murderer than we are a Christian woman who has premarital sex.

Third, we need to be willing to be uncomfortable. Normalizing conversations about sex won’t happen overnight. It’ll feel weird for a while. As I said earlier, you are welcome to share at your comfort level, and that level will be different for all of us. What’s important is that we take the plunge. Discern when and where it’s appropriate (and age-appropriate) to discuss sex at church and within your Christian social circles. Don’t push if someone doesn’t want to talk. Let’s ease into the conversation when needed. Be respectful. But don’t stop reframing how we talk about sex in the church.

Sex is Not a Dirty Word

Sex isn’t shameful. Physical intimacy between a consenting man and a consenting woman is a beautiful thing. Remove the scales from your eyes and celebrate the union God created between husbands and wives. Dial back the judgment showered on single women for engaging in premarital sex. Encourage other Christian women to make safe, informed decisions about their bodies.

There’s so much more we could dive into on this subject. For more information, I strongly recommend that you listen to the Bare Marriage Podcast with Sheila Gregoire and/or read her book The Great Sex Rescue.

Ladies, the time has come to take control of our sexual narratives. Let’s grab some coffee and have some girl talk. Let’s normalize talking about sex with our Christian friends. Are you joining me on this ride?