By Briana Bass, Christian Romance Author, Devotional Writer & Certified Professional Coach

Have you seen the meme of the young men showing off for the young women by stacking chairs in the Fellowship Hall? I laugh every time I see it. Some stereotypes just nail it, like the one about the couple who made eye contact and marry a week later. Or the one about the couple who sit together during Sunday morning worship and the entire congregation gives them knowing looks and starts planning the wedding.

Okay, so not all stereotypes are hilarious. Some are less funny and more uncomfortable because they hit so close to the truth. When you date someone from your church, a lot of people start sticking their noses in your business. It’s not that we don’t appreciate their love and kindness, but it complicates an already complicated situation. What if you break up? What if you decide you’re better off as friends? You don’t need invasive questions about your potential future together when you’re still deciding if you’re ready to be exclusive.

Relationships require time and space to be nurtured. It’s important to set firm boundaries with your church family to give you and your partner an opportunity to figure things out for yourself. It’s also important to have a conversation with your partner about how much of your relationship you will share with your church family, and the level of their involvement that you feel comfortable with. You don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, of course. Speak from a place of love, and your church family will understand.

Preparation is Key

You have every right to date whomever you want without other people butting in. You also have every right to keep your private life private. In this day and age, it’s common to post everything on social media, but you don’t have to. You can keep some things, like who you’re dating, to yourself. That applies to both social media and to church!

Having a church community is wonderful. They look out for you and have your best interests at heart. But sometimes it can be a bit intrusive. Don’t think this is exclusive to just your church family- your friends and family outside the church can get up in your business, too. Church happens to be a public space where it’s difficult to keep anything quiet.

As I mentioned earlier, talk with your partner first about setting boundaries with your church family. Come to a mutual agreement about where you both draw the line on what you will share publicly regarding your relationship. Here are a few ideas to consider:

• Don’t sit together at worship until you are both ready to announce your relationship to the congregation. This is a public declaration to everyone that you are a couple. In fact, it is THE most public declaration you could make short of an engagement announcement. Let’s be real, there is nothing that gets a congregation talking more than who is sitting where on Sunday morning.

• Prepare answers in advance and steel yourself for the interrogation. You can predict some of the more common questions you will be asked, such as when did you start dating or where was your first date. People will be genuinely interested and eager for the details. They’re excited for you! But that doesn’t mean they are allowed to cross the line. Having a few soundbites ready to gently but firmly establish boundaries can help keep the peace.

• Tell your pastor before you go public. It helps to have someone in your corner, especially a leader with authority. They should know your congregation very well and may be able to offer specific advice and suggestions about navigating your relationship under the scrutiny.

Baby Steps

What if you’re dating someone who isn’t part of your congregation? If you’re dating the right person, you’ll want to share your faith with them and worship God with them, but it’s kind of hard to invite them to church and not expect everyone to want to meet the new guy. It goes both ways! If he invites you to his church, then his church family will want to meet you.

Sounds daunting. For some of us it may even sound terrifying. You might be thinking, meeting a bunch of new people? Yikes. Hard pass. Or maybe he’s the one who’s nervous. Either way, acknowledge your feelings and his feelings. Be open and honest about any hesitations you may have. Respect one another’s feelings and don’t push if someone feels uncomfortable about meeting a large crowd.

Maybe start by introducing him to your small group or inviting him to join you at Bible study. When he does attend worship with you, pick a date that doesn’t coincide with a meal or activity after. Keep the day short and sweet instead. Ask your pastor if the three of you could do lunch or coffee one day. What I’m saying is ease your partner into meeting your church family if they feel overwhelmed. The same courtesy should be extended to you too if needed.

Family Matters

Remember, your church family’s nosiness comes from a place of love. They want you to be happy! They want you to find true love! That doesn’t mean they won’t be overbearing. It happens sometimes. Welcome to being part of a family.

You can still set healthy boundaries as agreed to by yourself and your partner. Having a plan in place before you introduce your partner to your church family can provide a lot of peace. Anticipating the questions and comments you’ll receive if you date someone from within the congregation can allow you to prepare loving responses instead of heated, knee-jerk reactions. Speak from a place a love. Your church family loves you, too.